Reframe the Brain

While the summer heat is returning, warming up degree by degree, she finds solace in the cool air conditioning of her house. It isn’t quiet by any means, because between the cacophony of the humming of the bathroom fan, the ever-so slight whirls of the ceiling fans, and the slight sound of the ac vents sweeping cool air into the room, she can hear the barking of her dogs with their warnings of neighbors taking their daily walks, squirrels scattering on the roof, and of course letting her know that there are cats, many cats, taking over the hood. She may be alone, but it is not silent. Oddly, she finds comfort in those things, and her mind is as clear today as it would be in dead silence.

She reflects on the last time she had complete silence around her. Years ago, when she found something in church, or searching for something in a building that is a church, she volunteered to sit for an hour in silence during Lent. She can barely remember the whys and what nots of this activity and what it meant to the faith of that denomination, but it was supposed to be a time of reflection and silence over the Eucharist, the living sacrament. One hour was the sign-up slot, and of course, there were children in tow because they were young, and she had nowhere to take them while she did her duty-besides, she was still in the game of showing them that church was not a terrible thing. It was a weekly requirement that would bring something to their lives. She was just waiting for that aha moment, not only for herself, but for them as well.

They made their way to the front pew of that church, a building that still looms large and proud on the corner of Broadway and Linwood, as it has for over a hundred years. Genuflecting hitting their knees to the benches, silent prayers going to this mysterious man whose life he had given to save others. Finally seated and staring at the altar where the Eucharist was hidden, she tried to keep her mind open, to allow messages from a higher power to enter, between hushed admonitions to her boys for whom she knew an hour of silence was entirely too much to ask of them. She closed her eyes, whispered barely audible Hail Mary’s, and tried to sweep her mind clean.

She could have predicted that this would be an impossible task because her brain never shut up. At this moment in her life, she struggled daily to keep it in check, along with her emotions, to raise her four children, keep daily attendance at a job that she loved but could really rub her emotions the wrong way. Then there were the doors, those things that were supposed to swing open when she least expected it, giving her opportunities where they might not exist, and having a being that would never give her anything she could not manage. A bizzarro promise that never seemed to come to fruition.

That hour, one of the longest of her life, her brain felt like a pinball machine that someone was playing. Somebody trying to beat the previous score, with a tilt here, a ding there, a ball crashing into the sides of its path, trying to find its way to the hole to keep its opponent from scoring any points. By the time the hour was over, she was exhausted, her brain hurt, her sons were hungry and wanted chicken nuggets, which would be her secret because they were supposed to have fish on that Lenten Friday. Sometimes she did not care.

Throughout the rest of her years of trying to remain faithful to that church she never signed up to do that again. She did not give up her time at the church until many years later when she realized that there was no alignment for her. She made friends along the way and cherishes those people to this day, from mostly social media posts and cards, but she has long given up the idea of church, of god, of a myth of person born to die to save people. It all sounds corny when she hears it now.

She has also changed the way she views her mind and its thoughts and how they might bombard her at times. Meditation has become a crucial way to help think through ideas, by taking the bad away from them. Thoughts and ideas that are not awful anymore, but she finds interest in each one, and with that interest she finds that their power is not so barbaric if she does not allow it to be. As she completes these exercises, she finds that they are there less and less, and her brain gets a little more freedom, minutes add up to minutes, and life is a little less heavy that way.

Today as she sits with her animals in her not so quiet house, she will continue to find comfort in this familiar setting, and if she finds that mind becomes just a bit cloudy, she knows how to find and clear out the clutter. Get interested and suddenly it is not scary anymore. -SMW