Acceptance

As I write I realize that it has been months since I have posted something besides a poem on my blog. Honestly, I have written, though not nearly as much as I had prior and mostly just journal entries that range from semi-childish to barely legible, and nothing worth sending out over the inter webs. Until now.

The several weeks have been hard ones for me, emotions that have taken shape into nasty, gnarly creatures who wish to chew me up from the inside out, hoping to leave me frenzied. Those imaginary monsters have served their purpose well because every emotion and sense within me feels raw, with the same punch of pain felt when someone screeches their nails across a chalkboard.

Pain and anger combined with depression has taken me hostage…no wait, I have allowed it to bind me and hold me back from finding peace. I realize though that I need to take back my feelings, own them, and set them aside for another day. Use them for the greater good, or else they will weigh me down into oblivion.

Today as I was reading my email, I found this quote:

“Don’t let the entire staircase overwhelm you. Just focus on the next step.” Author Unknown

What a goldmine of a find! This is me-my story, whether my life in the past, or even today. I always want to focus on those several flights of life (stairs) instead of taking that next step and embracing the fact that I at least moved. An inch, a foot or even a mile, movement is progress, right?

That is what my therapist tells me, at least one of the things. The other struggle I have is accepting myself, which isn’t too much different than the stair analogy, because it takes acceptance to believe that one step means something. Yet for me, acceptance is a whole package deal, and I take the physical part of it very seriously, and it feels almost impossible to believe, feel, or even know, that I am okay, inside, outside, and in-between.

I was given a couple of assignments this week one of which has proven to be quite difficult. I am supposed to say, “I accept myself.” I suppose until I believe it, though right now, I am mostly getting the “I” said, and almost choking at the word “accept.” See, I am a long way from okay, but it is all about the journey, right? I must believe that it will eventually come, or else there would be no reason to keep trying.

So, here I am, writing this stuff and posting it for the world to see. My raw emotions, my humanness, and my call to my inner self to hold on. I will work my hardest to believe in you and accept you as you are, if you will do so for me.

SMW